It has, through the course of history, become increasing clear that the oral pleasure facilitated by one’s partner has been a sorted affair since the dawn of 70’s porn. It is through the strife and courage of many brave souls that have labored under intense physical displeasure under my writer’s desk that such a manifesto could be written.
Put forth is intended to be an informative guide to improving your head by enriching your head.
· BE EXCITED, DAMN IT.
Many components are certainly involved with giving good head but it all has to start with the confidence to do so. Remember this is not a pick-me-up feel good about yourself handbook, this is straight truth. The lead up to head is AS IMPORTANT as the head itself. If the giver is not confident it conveys a message to the receiver. The receiver will think either:
1. You don’t want to do it
2. You aren’t good at it.
3. You probably are going to suck at the sex part too, aren’t you?
You must convey confidence to show the man you mean business.
· REMEMBER YOU’RE A BADASS
Take it to the next level, remember that you are a badass- now show him something he’s never seen before. Don’t get caught with a deer in the headlights look on your face when you’re staring down the barrel of it. Wield that motherfucker like its Dumbledore’s haggard Elder wand and your facing down a Death Eater. Put a swagger in your step, and get dirty with it; remember, you are a badass.
· YOU’RE IN CONTROL
Don’t let the man have control! Not of the experience, not of the speed or the instructions and not of your head, (Literally your head, don’t let them grab it with the intent of controlling motion. Only for hair dangling management or moral support should his hand rest on your head/hair/neck.). He has to know, that you and you alone are in control of this cock filled event. This is best shown by taking control from the start with confidence, for there can be no doubt when you take it out of his pants and spit onto his junk who’s taking names in this room, (or bush, dark alley way, grandmother’s basement.)
· THE TROUBLE WITH BALLS…
So apparently some women have a problem with them? Haha, get over it, they aren’t going anywhere. They don’t take much love, some hand holding a lick here or there, and maybe a suck once or twice per serving and they’ll love you like my Labrador Retriever does when you give him human food… or touch his balls… it’s kind of a thing with balls… maybe it’s just males…
· THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH DROOL
Don’t be afraid to have some slobber on Jo’ face; it is always fucking HOT. No need to wipe it off, better to recycle it back onto the receiver’s junk. Also the spiting on it thing… have I mentioned that yet… Oh, I have?… Well it’s important too.
· THE TROUBLE WITH DEEP THROATING
Three important tips to deep throat with the best of them.
1. Think and believe that it is supposed to be there and that you have control of it.
-It is the same trick as brushing way back on your tongue. If you know, you can stop it at any time the gag reflex will relax.
2. Focus on an object that is perceived to be beyond the receiver, a lamp, chair, or imaginary dragon.
-Focusing on a distant object will take your mind off of wanting to descend the uvula lower into the cavity to induce a reflex, subconsciously.
3. Open your throat like you’re taking a shot of alcohol.
-Widen your throat muscles and the rest is easy street. **Tip of the Day: To practice deep throating, take real shots and focus on loosening your throat. While you’re at it, do it while on your date… I’m sure this (if nothing else) will help all the other steps given…** THIS HAS BEEN YOUR “TIP” OF THE DAY!!!
· MOUTH WORK
In out in out in out in out in out in out in out… ßwho is getting tired of reading that? We all get tired of it when it comes to mouth work. Dick placement is an important component to mouth work during head. Play with the following ideas:
A. Pushing Schlong against ridges on the top of your mouth
B. Rubbing Noodle GENTLY against teeth.
C. Putting the Ol’ Whipper Snapper against the inside of your cheek.
D. Adjusting the speed
E. Adjust the depth of sucking.
F. Tongue work around the SS Mino’s bow.
G. Suck at varying levels of suckyness…
H. Licking Mr. Munster outside of the mouth.
I. Blowing on the daisy’s head and change up the temperature and environment.
J. Slap the meat stick on your face every now and again to wake you up.
· HIS PLEASURE IS LIKE THE BORG, MODULATE YOUR PHASERS.
Okay, it’s a Star Trek reference, I’m a dork, now let us continue… Nothing feels good forever. No one thing will make it great head. It is your imagination and willingness to switch up your methods that will make it great, so don’t stay on one part or strategy for too long. Once you have messed around and got creative you will find what the man likes the most… Tease the mother fucker and make him want it more… Or he will soon become desensitized to your efforts.
· DON’T MAKE THAT FACE AT ME.
You are beautiful in god’s eyes… But not when you make the are-we-done face. If you decide to move onto other things, just do it with some certainty in your eyes. And maybe a stiff nod of accomplishment. Your man will appreciate it… and so will god.
· MAKE THAT FACE MORE OFTEN.
Are you kidding me? Yes, yes yes yes, make those dirty faces at me, I DO NOT think you look silly while doing them!
· THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. OH, WAIT…
Serious faces are always appreciated, but just being present and sexual with your gazes is most important but if you feel like it, it’s okay to smile, just be sure to do it with the C word… Confidence.
· WHERE DID THAT FINGER GO?
Okay, not a real step. Just thought it sounded funny and needed one more to make it a “Twelve Step Program”. Oral Sex is amazing! So have fun with it! Silly animal, you only live once, have fun with your sex! Okay, but if you wanted to there is a place you could stick that finger…
“… Don’t worry about it so much; the world will hold you up, whether you want it to or not.”—Me, if I could grow a wicked Chinese man’s mole-beard… ya know, two or three strands a foot long hanging off that mother fucker… and then braided… yeah… braided.
So I was hanging out with David Hasselhoff earlier today and I mentioned your birthday was coming up and he said to me,
"Who the F*** is that?"
So David Hasselhoff is a complete douche, he’s horrible. Just the worst… I punched him in his mullet and done. Just, the worst … worst man…
Later I ran into Gary Oldman and he stopped me mid-story about me frisking an elephant at the Moroccan zoo to tell me about your birthday, and I thought I’d let you know. He thinks your tits. Was going to record a video for you, (Gary really wanted to) … (He insisted) but the Moroccan police came right then and had some questions about my veterinarian schooling. So I got half of a video, but Gary had had a bit too much Bavarian coffee and it’s kind of a shaky video with half my head cut out of frame… Moral? Don’t let Gary Oldman take a video of you wishing your friend a happy birthday.
So Happy Birthday, Justin! Rock 31 like Eddie Vedder in 96’!
… Do you even want me to like you? Do you want more for me than money from me? Is what we need less enrichment, in the world? If I pay you thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars could you lie to me for four years about your answer?